


I love you (but I don't want to)

by Moonie_mars



Series: Love me not [1]
Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Pining, Soobin centric, Unrequited Love, Whipped Choi Soobin, clueless Hueningkai, cute Hueningkai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 02:47:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18540733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonie_mars/pseuds/Moonie_mars
Summary: Maybe I wont take it backSay I was trying to make you laughAnd nothing has to change todayI didn't mean to say "I love you"I love you and I don't want toSoobin couldn't help but to be hopelessly in love with Kai.





	I love you (but I don't want to)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, the song I took to make the summary is I love you of billie eilish.  
> I hope you like it

It felt a little bit like breaking.

“hyung, I like someone”

The words were almost a whisper, like the sound of the air playing with the leaves. Soobin looked at Kai, heart thumping in his ears, hands becoming sweaty. 

“promise you won’t judge” said Kai, and Soobin nodded, because talking wasn’t an option in that moment, no. He couldn’t even phantom the idea “promise” he said, voice loud for the silence that was their room in the middle of the night.

“I like Yeonjun hyung”

-

 

A little bit like crumbling

 

“hyung did you see?!” Kai said excitement clear on his face, eyes shining with that light Soobin had fallen for, yet, the reminder that it wasn’t for him, brought a cloud of bitter feelings over his head.

Soobin nodded, smiling trough the real things he wanted to say “yes” he breathed “I saw” Kai ran to him smiling and gushing over the small plushie Yeonjun had given him just moments before after their fan meeting, it was a small gesture, something Soobin had seen with a heavy heart when Kai beamed at their eldest, it gave him a glooming feeling, seeing all the love Kai was willing to give their hyung, all the love that would never be for someone like him.

-

 

A little bit like crying

 

“do you think he notices me?” the words sent pain trough his chest, like the younger was staving him with his soft voice turned ice, Soobin had to take a second to actually answer the younger with the truth, even when he didn’t want to. “he looks at you like you hung the moon” Soobin answered, but at the same time he was talking about himself.

I look at you like you are everything, the moon, the stars, the sun, because it was true, Soobin looked at Kai like he was the moon himself, like he was the air he needed to live.

Kai smiled then, that shy, cute smile Soobin was blessed to see from time to time, his cheeks turned pink, like watercolour staining a blank sheet, it drifted trough his cheeks to his neck softly. Soobin was enamoured with the image in front of him, and let the pain settle a little deeper.

 

-

A little bit like crashing

 

“I think he likes someone else hyung” said Kai, voice soft and sad, tone turning his everything purple and blue, Soobin looked at the younger, at the person he had fallen in love with, at the only one that could actually make him feel alive, and it hurt. 

“he’s a fool then” Soobin said, but his voice sounded like he was underwater, - you’re a fool- he thought while looking how the pretty eyes of the other shone with unshed sadness – why can’t you notice I love you- the words he wanted to scream didn’t leave his lips. 

“but I don’t think that’s the case” Soobin kept talking, while his own eyes fought a battle of their own to stay strong, he was glad it was late already, for his image could remain intact in this battle “he has feeling for you kai” he said looking down at the gleaming look at the other, Soobin hugged him close to his chest putting the youngers head on his shoulder, holding him firmly “I can see it” he murmured “he loves you”

Soobin couldn’t tell in that moment if the words that left his lips were in name of the older, or came from his own feelings. 

-

A little bit like drowning 

 

Soobin almost walked into the wall when he saw it, he almost though he was falling from tripping on air but his feet were planted on the floor, yet the feeling of falling was overpowering, like air leaving him from a second, like the floor disappearing from under his feet, his hand fell on the wall, supporting him, for he would have fallen if it wasn’t for it. 

He couldn’t move, it was like seeing himself from another place, he could see his unmoving body, yet re could feel his muscles screaming at him to move, he couldn’t breath either, and the two persons that he was seeing weren’t a were of his eyes yet. 

It felt like being punched in the gut by a friend.  
Yeonjun was holding Kai by the waist and neck, one hand in each place, touching and holding with fervour, the younger had his hands on the upper body of the other, one messing with the silver locks, another on the back of the head, they were close, so close, almost one in Soobins eyes, their lips were touching, melting into each other, he could see how the older had the black haired boy at his mercy. 

Soobin didn’t know how he walked away, he didn’t even feel it, one second he was seeing how his heart was being crushed by voices inside his head screaming at him to do something, but he couldn’t, the next the image he had just seen still projected himself in his eyes, over and over again, he had no rest, yet he wasn’t there anymore, minutes had passed, hours had come and go. 

But only then when after what felt like centuries he cried, tears were a complex thing to his mind in that moment, rivers of salt water had formed themselves on his skin, carrying dreams and sadness, despair and jealousy. 

It was then when he was alone, that he cried for everything that he had lost. 

 

-

A little bit like dying

 

“we're together” Kai smiled, the words he had just said sounded awfully close to a door closing, where Soobin could see all of his what ifs saying goodbye, all his stolen moments of closeness, all those looks he had shared with the object of his affection, all those things he had given more value than necessary, it all crumbled under those two simple words.

Kai was clinging to Yeonjun, who carried a satisfied smile on his lips, Soobin wanted to erase it with a punch, their hands were intertwined, Kais other hand a little higher resting on Yeonjun arm, their bodies were pressed to each other, and they didn’t break apart even when Taehyun went and threw himself at the pair, loud voices saying congratulations were ringing in his ears, even when his own voice joined the others.

Soobin smiled for Kai, like he would always do, he smiled because Yeonjun was going to make him happy, because Yeonjun was going to keep those eyes gleaming and that smile on Kais face stay, because Yeonjun was the one Kai chose to make him happy and share things he would never share with other people.

He smiled when Kai looked up at him, and did the same when Kai said thanks for helping him, for giving him the courage to take the last step for him and Yeonjun to be together, the news made him feel like he swallowed a bag full of rocks. 

-

A little like letting go

 

“you have feelings for him” the smooth voice took Soobin by surprise, his eyes going wide as he turned to see who knew the truth, Beomgyu carried wet eyes and a red face, tear tracks like marks made by a brush, he smiled, or tried at least, what Soobin saw was a half attempt of a bright smile he was used to see on the youngers face.

It seemed that the words he had spoken applied to the both of them, it made sense, if Soobin paid attention enough, he would have been able to see the deep sadness that painted the others eyes when the news of the new couple were delivered.

Soobin didn’t say anything, he barely nodded turning to the night sky, Beomgyu sat next to him, his head falling on his shoulder where Soobin could feel tears dampening his shirt, he didn’t comment on it, his own tears leaving a patterns of wet spots on his legs.

“I thought that if I tried hard enough I could make him look at me like he looks at him” the words were sharp contrasting with the broken tone they were delivered to the air of the night, sharp like broken glass of a dream that couldn’t be, Soobin could feel the pieces of their blind hope piercing his skin, his lungs, his chest, he could feel them embedding themselves on his souls, as reminders of something that would never happen.

They cried until they couldn’t cry anymore, yet the pain only pulsed and flared like flames burning their skin, they cried for what could have been, but would never be, they cried for each other and for the pain they were sure to feel in the incoming days of their lives.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope it was good, comment if you want, sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> And don't cry for people who don't deserve it okay


End file.
